


Without your support

by Cards_Against_My_Patience



Series: cards can't stop projecting onto taz characters [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, mentioned IPRE, once again cards can't stop projecting onto taz characters, set during stolen century so not permanent character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 09:24:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11643645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cards_Against_My_Patience/pseuds/Cards_Against_My_Patience
Summary: Taako's gone for the rest of the cycle and Lup is left to deal with her dysphoria alone.





	Without your support

**Author's Note:**

> ahahaha yeah so shitty happenings at home including my name being used as a way to get me to be obedient and if i'm not i'm dead named and tons of other shit causing a lot of dysphoria. time to vent by projecting my feelings on to taz characters again. i wrote this super fast just to get emotions out so super sorry if there are errors.

She stared in the mirror for a long time. It was one of those days. One of those days she couldn’t look at herself in the mirror without hating what she saw and wanting to do nothing but sit in her room and sulk. 

Lup was in no way ashamed of being trans. She loved who she was, loved how she was and how she would express herself. But there were times, as there are with all people, when she couldn’t feel an ounce of confidence or pride in her body. She stared and saw a person she didn’t recognise and felt the tears welling up at her eyes. “Fuck this shit,” she muttered to herself, wiping away her tears with the heel of her palm.

She was drained. Exhausted in a way she could barely express without fear of sounding strange or ridiculous. She fell back onto the couch in the common room of the starblaster. Her hair falling softly on her face as she blew it to get out of her mouth and laid an arm over her eyes.

Everyone was mostly gone for the day. Lucretia and Barry went to investigate the local village for information about unique types of arcana which may help in their mission to defeat the Hunger. Cap’nport, Magnus and Merle were collectively scouting for the light of creation so that just left Lup and Taako. Both mostly bored out of their minds and volunteering to stay with the ship. 

She could hear the familiar sound of her brother messing around with pots and pans in the kitchen. The smell of baked goods wafted into the room as she sat there. What felt like second later Lup felt a familiar presence above her and moved her arm to look at Taako. He held out a plate with a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread in front of her, still warm from the oven.

She didn’t have to say anything, the look on Lup’s face said it all. Taako knew what she was going through, knew how she normally tried to deal with it. She reached over grabbing a large slice of banana bread and took small bites as tears began to well up in her eyes again. Taako sat next to her, pulling his sister into his arms and rocking her gently. They both had seen the other in this state many times before. They knew how to comfort one another. They knew how to help each other when they couldn’t stand the sight of themselves in the mirror.

“Lulu, you know you’re the most amazing girl in the world right? I’ll kick anyone’s ass who even implies otherwise.”

She couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at the seriousness in her brother’s voice. She hugged him back tightly and nodded her head in silent affirmation. “I’m just feeling gross today. It’s not that big of a deal just… sucks feeling gross.”

“I know, I know. If I could I’d kick dysphoria’s ass. Anything to make you happy.”

“Dork.”

“Goofus.”

They both laughed together, eating the banana bread until it was almost gone. Lup loves her brother so much. She doesn’t know how she’d get through days like this without him there to cheer her up.

Taako died within the first week of the current cycle. It is months later and she’s still broken, worried every night he somehow won’t be there when they leave. That they’ll all reset and he just won’t be there, won’t be standing next to her like he always is with that stupid smile that has kept her going through her life.

The thought of losing her brother, the one constant in her life, the one person who has been there for her through everything. It terrifies her more than words can describe.

Then there’s a day she looks in the mirror and hates herself. Hates what she sees and doesn’t know how to cope. Taako is gone for another few months and she’s alone to deal with this. 

She doesn’t talk to anyone for days, wearing clothing that keeps her body more hidden from her friends. The shift in her demeanor is obvious, this isn’t just a pain from loss anymore, it’s a pain of not hating yourself. No one knows how to talk to her about it.

She has never had a bout of dysphoria last this long before. She doesn’t even feel connected to her body. She just wants the year to be over, for her to see Taako again and to stop feeling like she’s in an ill fitting skin suit.

She woke up, tears streaking down her face as she brushed them away, letting out an irritated grunt. The soft knock at the door letting her know someone was up. She didn’t have the energy to get up. Didn’t have the energy to open the door. She felt empty.

“It’s open.” She muttered half heartedly, turning her back from the wall and shoving her face in a pillow.

“Lup?” Barry said, slightly peeking his head into her room. “Dinner’s ready.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Have you eaten at all today?”

She turns her head to him frowning. “I said I’m not hungry.”

“Lup, I’m sorry but you need to eat. Taako wouldn’t want you to-”

“Well he’s not here is he?!” She shouted, tears coming back to her eyes. She was crying, unable to keep the choked sobs from coming out and just crying her eyes out. “He’s not here and I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be.. This. I don’t want to look at myself.”

Barry hesitantly walked over to her, placing a hand on her arm and looking at her, “Lup, please don’t say that. He’ll be back soon and you are fine the way you are.”

“I’m… I-I’ve never dealt with this without him. He’s the one who helps me through this. I just hate it! He isn’t here.”

Barry looked at her, seeing her like this, broken and weeping in front of him. He just did the first thing he could think of and pulled her close to his chest, hugging her tightly. “Lup I… I know I’m not Taako and it’s not easy opening up to someone who isn’t him but if you need someone, I can try my best.”

“I don’t want to pull you into my bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit if it’s hurting you.”

“I just don’t want to look in the mirror and feel uncomfortable. I want to feel confident again.”

Barry holds her closer, “I-If it… If it means anything I-” He coughs stumbling over his words, “-I’ve never met a girl like you before. I think you’re beautiful.”

She kept crying. It was long before she began to calm down. She was exhausted and quickly fell asleep. After Barry left her he knew that the next cycle he needed to ask Taako how to help her during times like this.

He wanted her to have that second line of support, at times like this he didn’t want her to be alone.

**Author's Note:**

> (hilarious irony of this, lup's nickname is my dead name. not gonna lie i'm fucking thankful for that cause now i can associate something i hate with a character i love and give it new positive meaning.)


End file.
